God Remembered Rachel

It has been two years since my family went through this hard experience of infertiliy and then miscarriage. The following was what I wrote to my family to answer their questions of how I was doing through it all.

"God remembered Rachel!" were the words I would have chosen, had I
been more brave, to express the feelings of my heart to you when I
found out I was pregnant.  In saying those words I would be echoing the words found in scripture when Rachel, wife of Jacob, after years of infertility finally sees her prayers answered with her long awaited pregnancy.

The words to my doctor and nurses would
have been some what different, but the message would have stayed the
same, "I feel that I am fulfilling the measure of my creation! I
believe there is nothing more noble than being a mother and I get to
do it...again!" For fear of sounding preachy, I responded to their
inquiry by simply saying, "I am so happy and so grateful."  I went
to the doctor's office with my head held high, feeling that I was
surely the happiest woman at the UCLA hospital.

My joy was more full as I imagined the impact it would have on our
little family.  We would be more complete and the gap between Isaiah
and his sibling would have stopped.  We would still be able to have
children that learned to sacrifice for and share with each other.
We told Isaiah of our expected baby and he told us it was his
sister.  My dreams of the end of his aloneness and the beginning of
his learning to share and give because of love was already being
realized as he imagined her coming.  He told me, "She will cry when
I leave the room because she will want to play with me.  I will buy
her all of the princess dresses at Toys R Us.  I will fight anyone
with a sword to protect her."

My husband was already beginning to feel what I imagined another baby
would help him feel--purpose, protection of her, and happy to see me
in my joy of being a mother again.

I had so much joy and relief in the thought of being able to throw
myself into further motherhood instead of further school when My son begins Kindergarten. The thought of dropping my son off at school
and continuing in my work as a mother sounded heavenly.  I
anticipated the joy of again making the life of a child happy.  I
couldn't believe that soon I would be able to nurse again and to
rock to sleep again. I imagined beginning my life-long relationship
with a daughter that would only deepen as I taught her how to look
cute, how to cook, modesty, the scriptures, and then how to care for
her own husband and children.

When we lost the baby we also lost all of these things that we hoped
for.  The sorrow has been real, but it has been accompanied by great
comfort of and love from the Lord that has been even more real and
tangible.  The answer that God gave us to our pleadings was, "It's
going to be alright." The feelings of peace that accompanied the
answer were so strong, we thought we might be able to keep this
baby.  That feeling has not left us.  And so there are many
questions that my husband and I wouldn't be able to answer to explain why
this has happened, but we have had the essential questions answered--
God loves us, he has a plan for us, he is in charge, and these
things will somehow work together for our good.

I had a conversation with a friend that loves me and was hurt and
offended that this happened to me.  I sensed she wanted to know if I
was mad at the Lord.  My response was, "At Him? No.  That is the
farthest thing from what I feel."  

As I ponder later and try to explain why I could never feel angry at this my mind flashed back to me to times of my pleading for forgiveness, finally feeling it would come,
and realizing that it would only come because he bowed beneath my
load to free me from my sin. I remembered my observations of nearly
everyone I have ever loved walking the same path and my gratitude at
their forgiveness. I remembered the sorrow of the finality of having
family die; and then remembering that Christ overcame death for all
of us at a terrible price to Him.  He made it possible for me and
all that I love to live again--both spiritually and physically.   At
Him I will never be mad.  Even if He never gives to me again, what
he has given is enough.  Of course I continue asking for His help
and intervention.  But let Him never grant another blessing or
indulge me in my pleadings--I will always praise and adore Him for
the blessing that He has given me.  I will forever consider Him my
Savior for what He has done. It is enough.  And yet, He gives more
and I ask more.

My friend wanted to understand more of what I was feeling.  She
didn't understand why Heavenly Father would allow this to happen to
me.  Why all the waiting, then the hoping, then the mourning?  Why
when all I wanted was to be a mother?  I shared with her my sincere
feelings of not understanding either, but of not being afraid or
annoyed that I didn't know.  It is enough for me to know that He
knows.  He has asked me to do many hard things that I could never
understand at the time.  Each of these experiences has made me feel
His love for me all the more.  Never have I gone through such an
experience and wished that He would have made it another way.  With
perspective I can see that the path I walked further closed the gap
between Him and I.  What did I lose--money, time, riches, father,
mother, brother?  No.  I lost none of these things, but I came
closer to having them eternally.  I lost nothing except distance
between Him and I.  And so I walk this new path with faith that it
will be for me now what it has been in times past.

So the sorrow has been real… but just as real has been the love I feel from
Him.  Now I go through a familiar postpartum-- the relief from the
awful nausea, the return of the appetite that has come back with a
vengeance, the emotional roller coaster created from hormones
seeking  normalcy, the physical healing, and the doctor's orders to
not exercise for 6 weeks.  Postpartum this time with empty arms, but not an
empty heart.

God Remembered Rachel
http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-775-6,00.html